Government: The Most Important Topic You Will Ever Study

I'm a firm believer that government should be taught to every child through multiple classes during their education; one semester-long class in high school is not nearly enough. It baffles me that this is not the case.

How many of you use what you learned in the majority of your K-12 education?

English? Daily, yes, I get that. That's why we have English courses every single year of school.
Quadratic formula? Not so much.
DNA sequencing? Probably not, unless you're a geneticist or on Jerry Springer.
Spanish? Did you move to a Latin country? Or Southern California? Then maybe, lump this with languages.
Civil War history? Nice stories, good to know, not a daily part of life.

Guess what? We all participate in government. Every single one of us. We participate whether we like it or not, whether we understand it or not.

Ever driven on a road? Government.
Ever gotten a passport? Government.

Ever gotten shots before starting school? Government.
Ever gone to school? Government.
Ever paid taxes? Government.
Ever gone to the doctor? Government.

I could go on and on and on and on but I think you get my point.  On this day, when we are invited to exhibit one of the many freedoms our government affords us, I challenge each of you to educate yourselves and your children, family members, friends and colleagues on the fundamentals of government and how it touches each of our lives.

After that, study the propositions and the candidates. Make sure you look at more than just the blurb on your ballot; this stuff is important. It's important because it changes our GOVERNMENT, and government is in all of our lives.

Disclaimer: I work for the government.  Even if I didn't, I would probably still feel this way so it is what it is.

The Public Restroom Strategy. You're welcome.

There is pretty much nothing more disgusting in the world than touching your private parts to an area that has also been touched by some unknown person's private parts. Heck, I think it's gross to touch an area that my own private parts have touched, or those of a friend or loved one. As such, there is nothing that creeps me out more than using a public restroom.

It has to be done, we have all done it. Modern inventions have made things better. I'm talking about the toilet seat cover, thighs strong enough to maintain a squat, and in foreign countries they even have potties that wash in between users. I applaud all of these attempts to make this gross experience a little less gross.

Because we all have to do it, and the modern inventions to maintain sanitation aren't always available, I have taken the liberty of coming up with an almost fail proof strategy for using the cleanest of all public restrooms. I share it with you, my loyal blog readers, because I care about you. If I didn't care about you, I would cherish this little-known secret to keep my stalls the cleanest.


Here are my theories:

- Don't use the closest stall. Lazy people, people in a hurry, and people who have to go really bad (which never ends well) all use the closest stall. Walk the extra few feet, your privates will thank you.


- Don't use the furthest stall. We live in a world of black and white. People who have picked up on my first point will undoubtedly assume the furthest stall is the cleanest. This leads to more people using the furthest stall, thus branding it the second most used stall in the bathroom.


- The two above points will likely drive you to a middle stall. I personally prefer the third or fourth stall, dependent, of course, on the total number of stalls in the restroom.


- Don't assume a hidden restroom is unused. This often applies to the workplace. People ALWAYS save their most embarrassing and disturbing restroom visits for these hidden restrooms. The jig is up, we all know where the hidden bathrooms are, so if you want to be clean about your restroom visits avoid these hidden gems.

- If you are a frequent user of a public restroom, try to decipher what stalls others are using. I like to fold the TP a certain way so that when I come back later I can tell if the stall has had another occupant.

So, if you think this is the most ridiculous blog you have ever read, let me tell you this: I'm pretty sure I've actually managed to establish my very own stall at the office public restroom by using the logic stated in this blog. I know this doesn't mean much to many of you but I'm pretty sure my fellow germaphobes will appreciate the advice.

I Love the Uglies.

True statement, but not relating to people. Let's be honest, people are too social of creatures to be ugly. Nope, I'm not talking about people, I'm talking about pets. I've had some good-looking pets in my life, the most handsome of all being my slightly overweight cat Winston who recently passed away after 13 long and love-filled years with me. As I think about what pets lie in my future, I've come to the realization that I want an ugly pet. Here are a few reasons why:

- Pets aren't worried about getting picked last for dodge ball on the playground.
- Pets don't stay at home and cry when they don't have a date to the prom.
- As long as they can still get around, pets don't need to be skinny.
- Pets don't compare their outfits or body shape to other pets.

All a pet cares about is if you love them. I think I can love an ugly pet, they are like kids, you wouldn't give yours away if it was ugly, would you? In fact, if your kid is ugly you have a much harder time because as a parent, you have to help them through all the tough issues that come along with being ugly. Pets don't care; they don't even know they are ugly to the world.

With all this being said, I got a hermit crab last week at the fair. It's indeed one of the ugliest pets I have ever had, but he's not really too much fun. He just lays around in his shell and eats food. With pets, as it should be with people, it's the personality that counts. We can say this rule applies to people all we want but we all know looks are a factor. I encourage everyone to get an ugly pet, it will show that you at least somewhat believe this feel-good mantra of personality over looks.

I should blog about that.

I catch myself, at least twice a week saying, "I should blog about that." I know, it has been months since I have actually taken this advice but, by popular request, I promise to do so more frequently. I mean, I have awesome advice, so I should definitely take it.

Today's morsel of knowledge, short but sweet, you can't get a tan through glass. True story. I like to think of myself as a fairly intelligent person but I just learned this a couple years ago, and was reminded of it last week when my office was turning into a sauna and I was thinking that if I wore less clothes to work I could darken my skin tone...damn you physics. Also can't get your daily dose of vitamin D so get your booty outside.



I know what you are thinking, what about tanning beds? The light bulb is glass, you lay on glass, so what gives? Special super-expensive plexi-like glass that lets all the UV wavelengths through (and doesn't break as easily so obese people can lay on it without fear of glass shards slicing them).

Here's a thought: Furlough Mondays.

I'm a state employee and have been subjected to furloughs for the past year. They suck, I agree, but I've come to terms with it. I'm still able to pay all my bills and I tend to have to work most furloughs, meaning I bank them and use them as vacation days instead of actual vacation days, which I will enjoy cashing out when I leave this glorious state service. I know that not everybody has made friends with the furloughs, and I can't do anything to undo them, but I've got an idea that I think would make them a little more bearable. How about furlough MONDAYS?

Seriously, why did they have to pick the best day of our work week to send us all home? Why not let us enjoy the laid-back anticipatory attitude of Fridays and let us stay home on the loathesome day that everyone hates? It would be no skin off the state's back, they would save the same 15% a month from our pay, so why the heck not?

People would be WAY more tolerant of staying home without pay if they got to do it on a day they hate. Just saying.

Really? Do what makes sense.

I get pretty irritated when people do things that don't make sense. Exhibit A occurred yet again this morning as I walked to get my morning caffeine dose. Why, on God's great earth, do the guys that blow the leaves and dirt off the sidewalks have to do it during the morning rush of pedestrians? There are 24 hours in the day, and these yahoos pick probably the most populated hour to try and "clean" the sidewalks. I use clean in a very loose definition of the word, because these guys are really just stirring up dust, aggravating everyones allergies and getting us all dirty as we try to avoid them.

There is another argument for why they shouldn't do this during the work day, and it's actually their attempt to be polite. It takes these guys twice as long to do their job because they are constantly having to stop their blowing whenever someone comes within some undetermined range that all of a sudden puts them within the bubble of crap they have stirred up. Let me just say that this bubble varies by worker, and is not usually an impenetrable or contained bubble, but now we have to deal with this disaster for two hours instead of one because this worker feels like if he pauses for a bit we won't think he is stupid for doing his job.

Here's an idea: do this crap at like 7 at night when we are all eating dinner...or early in the morning when everyone is getting ready. I understsand there really is no ideal time to handle this stuff and you're always going to make someone mad but there really is no need to make half the capitol building hate you. Do what makes sense.

Watch what you watch.

Isn't it odd how just seeing something can trigger physical reactions in people? Take me watching some little piglets being born last night at the state fair. First it was excitement, then it was nausea, then it was dizzy, then it was lights out. Couldn't do it. I've never been one for guts and glory, makes me want to puke. Speaking of puke, I can't handle that either. If I see vomit, or even smell it, I too will vomit. I like to think these reactions are a sign of my sensitivity towards others. Perhaps I was physically feeling the pain of that mother sow, pain so intense it can cause one to lose consciousness. Yeah, let's go with that, it sounds so compassionate.