Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Public Restroom Strategy. You're welcome.

There is pretty much nothing more disgusting in the world than touching your private parts to an area that has also been touched by some unknown person's private parts. Heck, I think it's gross to touch an area that my own private parts have touched, or those of a friend or loved one. As such, there is nothing that creeps me out more than using a public restroom.

It has to be done, we have all done it. Modern inventions have made things better. I'm talking about the toilet seat cover, thighs strong enough to maintain a squat, and in foreign countries they even have potties that wash in between users. I applaud all of these attempts to make this gross experience a little less gross.

Because we all have to do it, and the modern inventions to maintain sanitation aren't always available, I have taken the liberty of coming up with an almost fail proof strategy for using the cleanest of all public restrooms. I share it with you, my loyal blog readers, because I care about you. If I didn't care about you, I would cherish this little-known secret to keep my stalls the cleanest.

Here are my theories:

- Don't use the closest stall. Lazy people, people in a hurry, and people who have to go really bad (which never ends well) all use the closest stall. Walk the extra few feet, your privates will thank you.

- Don't use the furthest stall. We live in a world of black and white. People who have picked up on my first point will undoubtedly assume the furthest stall is the cleanest. This leads to more people using the furthest stall, thus branding it the second most used stall in the bathroom.

- The two above points will likely drive you to a middle stall. I personally prefer the third or fourth stall, dependent, of course, on the total number of stalls in the restroom.

- Don't assume a hidden restroom is unused. This often applies to the workplace. People ALWAYS save their most embarrassing and disturbing restroom visits for these hidden restrooms. The jig is up, we all know where the hidden bathrooms are, so if you want to be clean about your restroom visits avoid these hidden gems.

- If you are a frequent user of a public restroom, try to decipher what stalls others are using. I like to fold the TP a certain way so that when I come back later I can tell if the stall has had another occupant.

So, if you think this is the most ridiculous blog you have ever read, let me tell you this: I'm pretty sure I've actually managed to establish my very own stall at the office public restroom by using the logic stated in this blog. I know this doesn't mean much to many of you but I'm pretty sure my fellow germaphobes will appreciate the advice.

1 comment:

  1. You would be happy to know that ever since I read this it is all I think about when I walk into the bathroom hahahha