I should blog about that.

I catch myself, at least twice a week saying, "I should blog about that." I know, it has been months since I have actually taken this advice but, by popular request, I promise to do so more frequently. I mean, I have awesome advice, so I should definitely take it.

Today's morsel of knowledge, short but sweet, you can't get a tan through glass. True story. I like to think of myself as a fairly intelligent person but I just learned this a couple years ago, and was reminded of it last week when my office was turning into a sauna and I was thinking that if I wore less clothes to work I could darken my skin tone...damn you physics. Also can't get your daily dose of vitamin D so get your booty outside.



I know what you are thinking, what about tanning beds? The light bulb is glass, you lay on glass, so what gives? Special super-expensive plexi-like glass that lets all the UV wavelengths through (and doesn't break as easily so obese people can lay on it without fear of glass shards slicing them).

Here's a thought: Furlough Mondays.

I'm a state employee and have been subjected to furloughs for the past year. They suck, I agree, but I've come to terms with it. I'm still able to pay all my bills and I tend to have to work most furloughs, meaning I bank them and use them as vacation days instead of actual vacation days, which I will enjoy cashing out when I leave this glorious state service. I know that not everybody has made friends with the furloughs, and I can't do anything to undo them, but I've got an idea that I think would make them a little more bearable. How about furlough MONDAYS?

Seriously, why did they have to pick the best day of our work week to send us all home? Why not let us enjoy the laid-back anticipatory attitude of Fridays and let us stay home on the loathesome day that everyone hates? It would be no skin off the state's back, they would save the same 15% a month from our pay, so why the heck not?

People would be WAY more tolerant of staying home without pay if they got to do it on a day they hate. Just saying.

Really? Do what makes sense.

I get pretty irritated when people do things that don't make sense. Exhibit A occurred yet again this morning as I walked to get my morning caffeine dose. Why, on God's great earth, do the guys that blow the leaves and dirt off the sidewalks have to do it during the morning rush of pedestrians? There are 24 hours in the day, and these yahoos pick probably the most populated hour to try and "clean" the sidewalks. I use clean in a very loose definition of the word, because these guys are really just stirring up dust, aggravating everyones allergies and getting us all dirty as we try to avoid them.

There is another argument for why they shouldn't do this during the work day, and it's actually their attempt to be polite. It takes these guys twice as long to do their job because they are constantly having to stop their blowing whenever someone comes within some undetermined range that all of a sudden puts them within the bubble of crap they have stirred up. Let me just say that this bubble varies by worker, and is not usually an impenetrable or contained bubble, but now we have to deal with this disaster for two hours instead of one because this worker feels like if he pauses for a bit we won't think he is stupid for doing his job.

Here's an idea: do this crap at like 7 at night when we are all eating dinner...or early in the morning when everyone is getting ready. I understsand there really is no ideal time to handle this stuff and you're always going to make someone mad but there really is no need to make half the capitol building hate you. Do what makes sense.

Watch what you watch.

Isn't it odd how just seeing something can trigger physical reactions in people? Take me watching some little piglets being born last night at the state fair. First it was excitement, then it was nausea, then it was dizzy, then it was lights out. Couldn't do it. I've never been one for guts and glory, makes me want to puke. Speaking of puke, I can't handle that either. If I see vomit, or even smell it, I too will vomit. I like to think these reactions are a sign of my sensitivity towards others. Perhaps I was physically feeling the pain of that mother sow, pain so intense it can cause one to lose consciousness. Yeah, let's go with that, it sounds so compassionate.

I'm sorry, I forgot my compass at home.

I know, it's been a while, I've missed you too. I think I was avoiding the blog because it reminded me of Rio and whenever I think of Rio I get sad because I wish I was there again. So I was having a discussion with a pal the other day and realized the topic of said discussion was a pretty important one. Important enough for a blog you ask? Absolutely.

Why is it that men always have this type of internal compass that causes them to be the worst direction-givers ever? For instance, don't tell me to head east on Main St. I am not a mountaineer, I don't carry a compass, I see no sun dial close by, and unless the sun is rising or setting I have no freaking clue which direction is east. Forward, backward, right or left, these four words should be the only words allowed in describing directions to any woman on earth.

Things are, however, looking up. I hear there's a compass app for the iphone so maybe I should get that.

It's always hot here, so just get naked.

The American perception of Brazilian’s modesty is completely accurate, these people like to be naked or close to it. They do, however, really like to dress up their dogs in little outfits and sweaters. Animal attire is often less revealing than that of their owners. I haven’t seen a one-piece bathing suit in this country, and bikini bottoms that cover butt cheeks are rare. All men wear speedos, some while riding bikes or jogging or walking around town. No body part is really left to the imagination here, a day at the beach leaves me feeling as though I’ve seen more body parts that a naughty film director. This would not actually be that bad, everybody likes to see skin, but it gets interesting when EVERYBODY wears these items, fat or skinny, short or tall, young or old. I asked a local about the concept of wearing little to no clothing when you don’t really have the body for it. He told me “A larger body is what it is, what can you do about it?” My response: “Wear more clothing.” The general rules of American decency tend to be:

1)If I can’t tell you are wearing a bathing suit because it is swallowed up in your skin, you should get a larger bathing suit with more material.

2)If you are a female over the age of 50, I should not be able to see your belly button unless I can also see ripped abdominal muscles underneath it.

3)Men have it easier because they can really rock a good body into their late age, but speedos are generally not acceptable at any age unless you are a competitive swimmer or water polo player.


That being said, I think the trade off of seeing more body than we care to see in order to see more than we normally would of some seriously great bodies has worked well for the city. Since that’s the case, let it all hang out people, even if it is dimpled and jiggly. Keep on chugging grandma, you work that thong and triangle bikini top while you jog along the beach, just be careful to not trip on those things that used to be fixed to your upper body.

Vote or...Vote

In honor of all the Californians hitting the polls today to vote in the primaries, I thought I would share some observations about Brazil's voting systems. Warning, you probably won't really enjoy this post unless you are a political junkie.

Observation #1: This country has only been voting for twenty years. They will elect their 5th president in October. Before that it was dictators and changes in administration came mainly by way of coup d'état.

Observation #2: EVERY person votes. That's right, 100% voter participation and 100% voter turn-out. If you don't vote, you do not have access to any government services. At first this sounded insane to me, but think about a politician that must appeal to the entire population in order to win. This means that the poor guy in the favelas matter just as much as the rich guy down at Ipanema beach because you know they will both vote.

Observation #3: Brazil's entire voting system is electronic. No hanging chads here. This fascinates me because, well, they've been doing this for only twenty years and they are also a third world country. We don't even do this in the United States and yet we are the most industrialized democracy in the world.

With that, don't forget to vote today. No complaining to me about this government that we live and work for if you don't vote. Show me your sticker if you want to talk politics.